Monday, January 28, 2013

Scared Shitless

It's a fun phrase to use but I am not sure how many times I have actually been able to use it in proper context.  This week may have been the first time to pull it out in proper context. A couple Thursday's ago I waltzed in to my regularly scheduled OB appointment eager to see the little muffin on the ultrasound machine and knew I had to do the as scheduled 16 week quad screen, a test that screens for Down Syndrome and Spina Bifida.  This is just a simple blood test, easy beans and out the door I went.  Off we went to the Broncos game in Colorado without any hesitation, remembrance of the dumb blood draw I had that Thursday before.  Shit hit the fan, thunder crashed through my roof when I had a call from my OB nurse on Tuesday that she wanted to tell me that my quad screen came back with a positive screen for Down Syndrome.  Instantly tears flushed my ducts and I was in full shock and awe.  I had to phone the specialists office to see if I could get a earlier appointment scheduled.  Luckily we were able to get scheduled for the following morning for an ultrasound that included full anatomy to measure and examine how the little muffin is growing.  The night before there were many tears shed and a bunch of WTF's were thrown out.  We trudged through the doors of the office that morning expecting to end a little bit of the worry that caused us to flip flop the entire night before.  I prayed for a professional and knowledgeable ultrasound tech and that is exactly what we got.  We had a really good ultrasound and the baby didn't show anything that caused any alarm to reveal down syndrome.  We then met with the Doctor who came in and rained on the parade and gave me the lovely odds that my screening tipped off.  1 in 8 chance that the baby has DS.  1 in 8. 

EERRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECK----------------------------------------------------follow up on all of that...I wrote the beginning of this post last week when I really was scared shitless and had to stop because I scared myself so much with my reality of my writing.  I cannot think of a more stressful time in my life.  After we met with the Dr. we went and had a lab test done called Maternti21.  This blood test would give us a 99.1% answer whether or not our baby would have DS.  We waited for 1 long week before we got our results back.  I made Erin come home so we could call together.  The results: NEGATIVE for DS!  I throw that exclamation point in there very gingerly but also with gusto.  I was fully preparing myself that I would have a baby with DS and that no matter what, NO MATTER what, I would love love love this baby for life.  Fear flashes through your mind and all kinds of scenarios buzz in and out and you come to a point where you just know that you will make it through because above all the worry and anxiety, you know that you have the best thing on your side and that is LOVE. Love and God.   

I learned more about Down Syndrome last week than I probably needed to learn but it helped me immensely.  I read blogs, Kelle Hampton's Bloom book, and visited message boards where women were going through similar experiences.  The one thing that I took away more than anything is how babies and children with Down Syndrome can completely bring the sunshine into the lives of these parents.  Their personalities are radiating and parents and families feel that they are better equipped in life because of their children.  I didn't feel as scared reading these real life accounts and I have a much greater respect and awareness of Down Syndrome through this all.   

I have weathered this tiny storm and realize that this is just the tip of the iceberg in this thing called life.  Life is crazy and life is hairy at times but I have never been so grateful for what I have been given at this stage in the game. 

2 tidbits of your thoughts:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing and touching our hearts with your strength and faith.
Kaitlyn you are so special in so many ways. I love you so much and you know that wherever life takes you that your Father's in heaven will walk beside you.


Anna said...

I'm not even sure what to say other than that I'm sending you a giant hug. Scary things are scary - I'm pleased to see you were educating yourself before you even had a definitive answer ... shows what a great parent you truly are.